Belief

I don't believe in the Devil.

I don't believe in "bad" kids.

I don't believe there is only one way to the top of the mountain.

I don't believe all gossip is bad.

I don't believe that I have to have meat to survive.

I don't believe in lying.

I don't believe that you have to be serious when you grow up.

I don't believe that doctors know much about HEALTH.

I don't believe in eating leftovers after day....5.

I don't believe in mini vans.

I don't believe in racism.

I don't believe that it is ever okay for one race of people to annihilate another.

I don't believe God has one name when there are so many languages in the world.

I don't believe in hating people because they don't agree with me.

I don't believe in spandex.

I believe that I am part of a beautiful, lovely, happy, healthy earth.

I believe in telling the truth.

I believe in being nice.

I believe that fruit and vegetables are the best foods for me.

I believe that campfires make everything better.

I believe that we all need close friends to tell things to and to listen to.

I believe that Narnia is real.

I believe that NO ONE is better than anyone else.

I believe that just because I make fun of you doesn't mean I don't like you!

I believe in cream for my coffee.

I believe that sun shine on my skin with NO sunscreen is good for me.

I believe in having babies at home with all of my people around me.

I believe in honey whole wheat pancakes with lots of butter and real maple syrup.

I believe that music holds all things together.

I believe in herbal remedies.

I believe that if you focus on the negative....it will get worse.

I believe in voicing my feelings about the negative so that I won't focus on it quietly.

I believe that I'd better listen if someone has something to say.

I believe in the seasons.

I believe in the power of good thoughts.

I believe in chocolate.

I believe in holding my babies.

I believe that if I truly love and know my babies, then I can't spoil them too much.

I believe in drinking water.

I believe that laughing until you pee a little, keeps you very healthy.

I believe that religion causes wars and hate.

I believe that Jesus was NOT religious.

I believe that not all good things are contained in one book.

I believe that the Spirit is alive and moving and isn't only revealed to a certain race.

I believe in sharing.

I believe that time is our friend.

Daycation

Had a date. Yeah, a hot one! Seriously, doesn't take much. Just being alone in the truck on the way to spend too much money and enjoying a loud stereo and no questions from the back seat and feeling like teenagers again. Of course, by the end of the "date" all we talked about was the kids and raced back to see their sweet little faces. But, a date sure makes those lil' faces all the sweeter!

We went shopping for Christmas....all in ONE day! We had like, strategic military planning going into this thing. That's why we got home by 3pm with it all done...ready to wrap! I love that feeling. We also got to drink coffee all morning and not worry about making a meal for anyone. We went out to eat around noon and when the kid in the next booth started whining and crying....guess what? Not our problem. It really wasn't even annoying to listen to, because it wasn't ours! Ha. Enjoy your lunch buddy, and pick up that mess before you leave!!

This is the first year that we had to buy our presents for each other, in front of each other. We tried to sneak around for a bit, but that didn't last long. Pretty soon we're going, "Oh, look at this! Do you want this one or that one? Try it on!" It was fun. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, breaking that tradition. We'll have so much fun acting surprised!

I like to go on dates. I think they should be mandatory. I like to drink a beer at the chowder house at 2pm in the DAY and listen to Trav's stories without interruption. I like the way we act like kids when our kid's aren't around. The role model pressure is off. I think I ran out in front of a car in the parking lot! There is a beautiful thing about remembering who you are without being a parent, for a couple hours.

We met this couple in the chowder house that were around our age. They were good fun. They had no kids and had all their shopping done. They were on their 2nd beer and getting ready to get home and get ready for a Christmas party. They had no idea what that time together really meant because it had never been any other way for them. But we knew. We enjoyed that ale like it was the only one on earth. But, guess what we talked about almost the whole time.....the kids. Yep. They are our life. They are us and we are them and we all ran into each others arms by the time it was all over with, like we hadn't seen each other in years! Goofy Hollons, anyways. We housed up and told stories of our day and listened to rock n roll and wrapped presents and ate tortillas and cheese and candy canes.

Yay for Saturdays. Yay for dates and yay for family time. Yay for cousins that LOVE and play with our kids. Yay for the Christmas presents all ready for Saturday's madness. We are so blessed to be healthy and celebrating life together. It is the ultimate gift.

Time, My Friend

It's finally happening. I am getting old. I can't believe it.

The 16 year old girls were standing there talking about NOTHING and doing so with dramatic tones. I started to lose concentration and think about dinner, the dishes, Christmas presents, the weather...adult things. The story was about some guy in her health class that is suicidal. That should keep my interest, but alas, no. I didn't even perk up when she told me about the outfit she bought....oh yeah, I never really cared about that stuff. Shoes and hats, yes. Outfits, no. I felt the age gap and don't get me wrong, I really didn't mind. I realized finally why I hear so many people say that they wouldn't go back for a million dollars.

At 16 you are so resolute and so ignorant. I remember. You do a report on something and then you "know" all about it. Yeah, right. There are life experiences that go so much further than books ever will. And, it's nothing you would wish on a 16 yr old. Truthfully, they will learn it in time and no need to be in a hurry. But to identify with stories about boyfriends and classes and outfits....ahhh, it's leaving me. I would rather hear about my 6 yr old's dream. I would rather listen to my 2 yr old sing that funny song about the dog again. Kids don't recite another adult's idea back to you. They have their own way of thinking and their own way of expressing it and it's always new and exciting.


I have doubled my age since I was 17. That is very weird. I am around the same age that my Mom was when she had her 4th child. My oldest daughter is the same age that Trav's little brother was when she was born. He's 16 now. That's how old Travis was when I met him. When I started dating Travis, that same little brother was 2! Travis and I will be together LONGER than we've been apart in 4 more years! I will be 38 then and my little fat baby will be 6. Time is the strangest phenomenon ever. I don't understand it. It is graceful, kind, mean, and unforgiving. It just is.

I don't want to get old and saggy and humped over and lose hair where it should be and get it where it shouldn't. I don't want big ears and a really big nose. I don't want to be close to death. I don't want to cut and perm my hair and wear stockings and nurses shoes.

I think I will let it grow long and gray like a witch and wear moccasins and hippie dresses. I will listen to loud music and drive a datsun pickup and have lots of books and smoke a long professor pipe. I will have sunshine all the time, if we have to move our tipi to get it. I will sit with my old man by the river and jump in even at risk of a heart attack. I will pat my dog on the head and feed him deer steak and let him sleep at the foot of our bed. I will have lots of grand kids that are too loud and I will feed them honey toast and bananas. I will tell them stories of when me and Gramps were young. I will tell them all of the funny things that their mothers used to do when they were little. We will stay up late by the fire and we will travel around in a funny little motor home. I will stop and pick fruit at every tree I see and will pull over for every garage sale...just to "look". I will wait for my husband while he reminisces with old friends at the hardware store and I will look at the paper with him over coffee.

I guess it won't be so bad. I guess, if I live every day RIGHT NOW, like I won't ever get it back then I will have no regrets and I will leave no stone unturned and no fun un-done. I will leave a legacy behind me. That's what parents do. That is our creation; our masterpiece. And look at all those beautiful colors!

Happy is Healthy

A messy house shows that I am doing a great job homeschooling. A clean house shows that school is out and I'm about to make dinner. Another mess in the kitchen shows that dinner is on it's way and it took a lot of pans to get there. A clean house after dinner shows that I didn't go out by the campfire when I wanted to. A dirty house after dinner shows that I let it go, had a great time on a "date" by the fire with Daddy, and I will be getting up early with the smell of dinner dishes in my nose. But, sometimes it's the better choice for my sanity, depending on the type of day it's been.

In the bible it says that the eyes of man, and fire, are two things that are never satisfied. ( I'm paraphrasing here.) I would add to that dirty dishes, floors, bathrooms, and clothes. Messes are endless. Sometimes I do a counting game. How many loads of dishes have I done in my life? I'm 34 so thats....hmm....let's see. It's not a very comforting game. So then I play a new game called, "Take It ONE Day at a Time". That makes me feel much better about the whole thing.


It's all about balance...once again. Aaaah, the mantra of my life, that just won't leave. I am an extreme person so the moderation thing doesn't always come naturally for me. But there in lies the peace. If you are a clean nazi, then your little soldiers don't see much of your nice side. And if you are never picking up a mess, then chances are, neither will anyone else. The gray area is my friend. I clean when no one is awake. I clean on school lunch break. I clean before, during and after dinner and guess what.....I found out that 6 and 8 year olds are great on dish duty, floors, laundry folding, and cupboard organization.

Health is the same way. For as long as I have been into herbs and good food, I have prayed for a balance. Food can be like a religion. I have been on all sides of this fence and I can tell you that just because you eat "perfectly" doesn't mean you are the healthiest, most well rounded person you can be. There is more to health than food. But it DOES matter. When I make a celebration out of my meals and when we sit down as a family and enjoy garden fresh food we all feel GREAT. It does make a difference in my health when I quit making my mouth a garbage disposal!

I was on a cleansing-fasting-veggie spree, a couple years back, and was busily scribbling a list for the store. Out loud I said, "bananas, oranges, lettuce, tomatoes, almonds, sprouts, avocados...." Hannah, who was 5 at the time, said, "Mom....put bacon and sausage on that list. I want some pig in this house!" And you know what, after I got up off of the floor in my fit of hysterical laughter, I put pig on the list. Yes, I've read all of the BAD things about pigs and yes I know how gross slaughter houses are, but when it's all said and done.....nothing beats the smell of bacon on Sunday morning!

Happy thoughts are just as cleansing as a juice fast. Thinking is the one thing we do ALL of the time. We never DON'T think. So it must be one of the most important things to keep on the positive. What we think and say becomes who we are. But, I can find humour in many situations, and sometimes it IS at the expense of my fellow man. So is that positive or negative thinking? Where is the balance? I suppose it comes back to what Mama always says, "If what you say will hurt someone....say it really quietly." WAIT! That's not what Mama said! But the human race is just plain FUNNY sometimes. And things are A LOT funny when I exaggerate them and stretch them into a sarcastic web of silly. It makes life more like a movie and then it becomes distant enough for me to laugh about. That must be positive thinking because the spirit of that thought is well meant. To laugh and feel good among all the stresses of life, is good medicine.

The opposite of this good natured fun is the Jr. High locker room. It is the most vicious place on the planet. You are either making fun of someone or being made fun of. I have been on both ends. It never really felt good. It's pretty simple: we are all the same and what hurts us usually hurts other people. We want to be understood, liked and laughed WITH...not AT. It is all so precarious. One minute you think yours doesn't stink and the next...you stepped in it. We all do dumb things. She's not better than me, and I'm no better than her. I'm simply jealous because her shoes are cuter than mine!

There are a handful of positives that make up a healthy human being. Good food (that my great Grammy would recognize), good sleep (including naps), fresh water (this means more than morning coffee and evening beer), walking and running and playing in the fresh air and sunshine, and not letting the stress of every single day weigh you down with it's unreality. Because, it always works out in the end. No matter what! I really tend to think about this more at the beginning of the year. We are a completely new person every 11 months or so. Science "says" that our cells are all new and regenerated in that time. So what we eat, think, and do make up our "new" body.

If we listen our bodies tell us just what they need. My body needs veggie sandwiches on sprouted bread, fresh fruit and spring water. My mouth needs cheese, wine, chocolate, (and sometimes pig). My legs need a walk in the mountains. My soul needs a campfire and laughter and talks with my Travis. My arms need babies to hold. My nose needs to smell cookies in the oven...once in awhile. My eyes need a beautiful sunset and lots of color. My ears need music and the sound of my people on the phone. My mind needs books and art and thoughts on God and the mysteries of the world. My heart needs to feel love and give love and give some more. My soul needs the silent times to be filled again so I have some more to give....just when I think it's all used up.

My New Years resolution: To listen closely to my spirit and my body and not let the one overpower the other and to enjoy, love and live this year like it's my first....not my last!

This Little Light of Mine

None of us want to be nagged and pulled and disrespected into necessary change. We want to do it ourselves. Or we want to NOT do it. There is no logic in the control we try to possess over other people in our lives.

Marriage and Parenthood are two of the hardest things we will ever do. We ask more out of our spouse and children than we would EVER ask of anyone else. We can't force these people into compliance. And we shouldn't want to. The only choices we have complete control over, are our own.

I grew up in church. Many of the sermons were based on loving your neighbor, doing unto others, and witnessing. I used to get this guilty feeling every time they talked about witnessing and sharing my little light with others. It made me think of missionaries and martyrs and door to door salesman. I tried one time, in elementary, to save my fellow student who was rocking Def Leppard in her walkman. I told her she was going to hell if she listened to rock and roll. She turned really red, marched away, told everyone else how weird I was, and didn't talk to me for awhile. I don't know what I expected her to do. Maybe say, "Thanks! I didn't know that. Let me now burn my entire big hair collection." I knew I wasn't meant to be a missionary....or a salesman.

Is that what loving your neighbor is about? Is that witnessing and sharing my little light? No. That is not love. Rock and Roll will not take you to meet the Devil one day. It may lead to premarital sex, but my guess is that those two 16 yr olds were already thinking about that before Led Zeppelin sang, "Whole Lotta Love".

Witnessing is sharing TRUTH through your actions and your words. The people that I am supposed to love and treat like I want to be treated, are my family. My husband and my three daughters. These are my "neighbors", first and foremost. I don't have to get into a tiny boat and row off to a cannibalistic island with some bible tracks. I don't have to try and solve all of my friends problems and start a charity for three legged dogs. The love I have to give is, daily and unconditionally, to these 4 people that surround me. I effect, 100%, how their day will go. If I wake up full of negativity then my house reeks of it and no one is at peace. Our job on this planet is to LOVE.



















This is often harder with the people you are closest to. Have you ever noticed that? It's easier, some days, to speak kindly to the post man than it is to your spouse. It's like, all day long we give out and give out and stifle our outbursts and keep simmered until we get home and let our guard down. Then we give em what we got left, which isn't much on a bad day, and expect them to deal with it. Life is so strange. I want to be the most patient and perfect wife and mother alive. But, honestly, I think I'm getting MORE stubborn as the years roll by. I suppose if some understanding grows along with my sassy side then it will all be balanced and no one will have to go through therapy.

But my intentions are OH SO good. The one thing that saves me at the end of the day is my honesty. It may have gotten a little rough around nap time. It may not have gone perfectly when the 6 yr old spilled the entire jug of o.j. on the floor. I may have lost my temper. I may have forgotten to count to 10 before reacting. But in the same instant I floundered, I righted back topside and said, "I am sorry. Mommy does stuff like that all the time. It was an accident. I love you very much.....can you please go get the mop?"

It is weakness to lash out. It is fear based to try and force compliance. I don't believe in it. Their will is their Spirit. This is what I love so much about them, so why would I want to bend and break that. Little kids are JUST like adults, but they don't have understanding and control over their emotions. They really don't even know why they do what they do, half of the time. It's our job to help them understand this. It's our job to be on their side while they are in their unfolding stage.



















I am not saying that the kids make the rules. Obviously I have lived on this earth for 34 yrs and my 8 yr old doesn't know how to drive yet. There are also things that I will not tolerate and actions that are unacceptable in Camp Hollon. But, we all want to be liked and accepted. Our actions don't make up the entirety of our being. It is no more correct for me to bully them than it is to let them bully me.

I had a revelation while we were camping up River a couple yrs ago. I was headed up to the truck, for the 56th time, getting more "stuff" to make the kids comfy. On the way back down the hill my 3 yr old shouted, "Mom, I have to go poop!" I dropped the "stuff", held her hand, and headed up the hill for the 57th time. I realized...I am their leader and I am their servant. That is a heavy responsibility. There should be total trust there. Strength lies in weakness at times. The more "in charge" we try to be, the smaller we become. Our voices are heard in the stillness. The quiet and centered calm Mama. Oh, yes. That will be my mantra today. I want to be the still small voice. Not the fire, wind, and storm raging away.

On that same beach that we were camped on is a huge pine tree. (In fact it's the very tree that Travis and I were married under.) The roots on that tree are amazing. They stick right out of the sand. They had to move some boulders slowly, over time, and the water has tried to wash away at them year after year. They hold onto almost nothing, it seems. And yet that tree grows strong and true. That's how I want to be. I want to sway in the wind and not break. I want to move the obstacles in my life with gentle pressure and constant give. (And smelling like pine would be fine.)

Surviving The Jollies

Oh, the time to be jolly is upon us once again. I pulled the tote out from under the camper and we are all decorated up! Yes, it is possible to decorate a camper. And yes, my husband and I fought about keeping the decorations or not. I won. Well, come on! Christmas has to happen whether you move out of your house or not. And, true, you can't take EVERYTHING with you on the road, but....the Christmas tote stays!

I don't remember caring about Christmas much before we had the kids. They are really what it's all about. But I also don't believe in buying them every single thing in Wally World. It's important to make the seasons about more than presents. It helps if you don't have TV. Just seclude them on a mountain top and give them pretty rocks in their stockings.

No, really I do like to make things for the kids. I am not the most organized crafter, however. I had some pillow cases last year that got done around........... Valentines Day. But, I go around the house and find cute little tins and baskets to fill with pretty necklaces or beaded bracelets. My mom started that tradition. And it's amazing how she could turn "nothing" into something special. We may have seen the little hair tie basket a million times in the bathroom, but once she lined it with colorful cloth, placed a pretty trinket inside, and put our names on it....it was SO cool!

Of course we have to get them more than baskets filled with stuff. And this usually involves a drive to the city. I hate those big stores. Wal-mart, K-mart, Save-mart....and all the other Marts. Too much crappy plastic for me. There has to be another way. I never leave with a very good feeling. We always spend FAR too much money and come away with some major buyer's remorse and STILL feel like we didn't get it all. The truck is a sea of bags and boxes, empty cups, dry cereal, plastic wrappers, maybe a little pair of pee pee pants wadded up on the floor...hopefully not. The city outing has it's place, but as for me, I am going to try and avoid the spontaneous MAD spending this year.

Crafts. That's where it's at. I'm gonna surf the Martha Stuart website like it's my job! That'll give me some dandy ideas. Then I'm gonna make sure the kids standards are REALLY low. Maybe hide all their toys and feed em beans and rice for a couple weeks. Then...bam! They will think they hit the jack pot. "Thanks Mom!! An orange!!" "Wow, look at my bean bag, thanks guys!"

For really real, kids ARE easy to please. And, no, I won't really put them on a pioneer diet...not any more than normal.

I have been around kids that were NOT easily pleased, satisfied, or even slightly thankful for their gifts. I wanted to smack them, and their apologizing gift giver, in the face. My best friend told me a story once about her cousin's birthday. She said that he was whining about all of his gifts and generally being a @#$%. His mom grabbed up all of his gifts and handed them out, one by one, to all of the other kids at the party! For real! Now THAT is gonna teach a kid to either be thankful, scared of parties, or dang quiet about their disappointment.

Every family has their own traditions. We make new ones every once in awhile. Travis's newest is the take-all-the-decorations-down-the-day-after-Christmas-tradition. That one is a little shocking. Especially if you are HOSTING Christmas for the first time. I knew this one would freak everybody out but there is no fighting that man when he gets that look on his face. At that point...the new tradition is set.

We were renting a small 950 sq ft house. Trav went and bought like $300 worth of lights from the Riggins One Stop!! He also SANG Christmas Carols while putting them up....not on purpose, I'm sure, but because that's what happens when one is bit by the Elf Bug. I matched his spending out at the River Song Gallery with garland and fake poinsettias, aplenty. Then we purged Christmas all over North Riggins. Our breaker actually kept shorting out and every morning I had to plug in this extension cord so the freezer would turn back on. Hmmmmm, priorities.

So when my husband decided to take Christmas away on the 26th.....he had every right. He had played Santa long enough. When you live in small spaces and the tree blocks your passage to the potty, it's time to move on into the new year....with a pre-tree bon fire.

At this time every year I start thinking about money. I get worried about spending too much. I get worried about not spending enough. I wonder if it's all worth it in the end. I watch the stupid commercials and decide that I want nothing to do with it all. That's not very realistic, though. So I try to balance in the middle somewhere.

I am surrounded by blessings. I don't recognize them as blessings sometimes because I am distracted by their screaming and bouncing. But blessings they are indeed. They are the blessings of Christmas. That little hand pulling on my pant leg, those little pleading eyes, and that big fussing mouth. They all just want my TIME. And that is my LOVE. And that I can do. They think I am the bees knees and they just want me to want to BE with them. And guess what? One day I am going to want the same thing from them!! SO I hope that the gift I can give is patience when I want to scream, a snuggle when I'm "too" busy to sit, and a reading a book when all I want to do is close my eyes. May we all make choices that allow us to notice, enjoy and make time for our little blessings.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOTHER IF......

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOTHER IF:

~You are in your sweats at noon, but the baby is dressed.

~You always have food in your purse and it's not for you.

~You have white milk puke on your shoulder and are immune to the smell.

~Your car has more crackers and juice boxes in it, than cd's.

~The song stuck in your head is from a Disney movie, not a juke box.

~Ten minutes of alone time is like an hour.

~You go visit people you have nothing in common with, JUST because they have kids.

~You have quickies in the bathroom, and not because it's kinky.

~You make dinner when you're not even hungry.

~Your lunch is crusts of pbj and leftover bites of apples.

~You consider grocery shopping an outing.

~You wake up at 5am just to read a book.

~A good workout is getting your kids dressed to go out and play in the snow.

~You don't sleep in past 7am even if you want to.

~You think of yogurt as a meal.

~You can kiss a drooly mouth without even flinching.

~You think about poopoo more than you ever have in your life.

~You hold your pee for an hour just so the baby will fall asleep.

~You use an extension cord for your baby monitor just so you can stay up with the adults.


~You have cat like reflexes without meaning to.

~Getting ready to leave the house takes you an hour....at least.


~You can do ANYTHING with one arm.

~You wear the necklace that lil' sweetheart made you, JUST to make her smile.

~Christmas is more expensive than the mortgage.

~Lightsockets become a hazardous part of the house.

~Beer for breakfast is medicinal...not just fun.

~People look at you with the "I-feel-sorry-for-you" look when you unload 3 kids out of the car.

~After Halloween you understand a drug addict completely!

~You can change a diaper, snap up your nursing bra, and unbuckle a car seat in under a minute.

~A "nooner" means a nap.

~Instead of kissing your hubby when he comes in the door, you hand him a baby.

~Cleaning the house is like a military drill.

~A clean house isn't what it used to be.

~All you want for your birthday is paper plates and disposable utensils.

~Foreplay is shutting the alarm clock off.

~You spell every 5th word you say.


~Your walls are decorated with sticky handprints and markers.


~You have mad referee skills.


~You cut your husbands pancakes into small bites.


~You will hand a lighted flare the screaming baby in the carseat, just to have 2 seconds of quiet.


~You boss other people's kids around.


~"No" is your second language.


~You take more pictures than you ever have in your life....of one outing.


~You wonder what being "bored" would look like.


~You feel more frustration and love at the same time than ever before.


~You actually get yelled at for trying to help someone.

~Clean shirts last about 5 minutes.


~You can't get anything done, even though you are TRYING!


~You clean up the restaurant floor and wipe the waiter's face before leaving!

The country mouse ate the city mouse....

We are living here at Apple Hill in Camino California. It's like the woods for the city folk. You know, we got trees n stuff. There are a couple resident bears and some deer.

But as for us Idahoans, it's still city. There is a Walmart 10 minutes away. That says it all. In Riggins we are 3 hrs from one of those shopping zoos.

I like it for a change though. It's nice to go downtown Placerville and walk main street and check out all the cool shops. (Mostly from the windows when Tenesee is feeling spry.) There are also wineries with vineyards rolling along the hills, old mines, museums, supermarkets with unwilted lettuce and RED meat, and of course more apple ranches up here on Apple Hill.

When I was working the front register at the family restaurant the other day, I had an interesting insight into the mind of a city-fied lady. There was a line of folks wanting bbq pork sandwiches, about 30 people deep, and I was running this ladies credit card. The phone line was busy so it was taking extra time . I smiled at her and made some comment on the weather. She said, "That machine must take a LONG time, huh...since we're out here in the middle of nowhere?! You all must be SO glad to get out of here after you graduate! I mean WHAT do you DO up here?"

Okay now let's think about this, shall we. THIS, for starters, IS the city for me. I'm from towns of 500 and less, ALL my life!

So I say, "Actually, I'm from Idaho. (Look of fear crosses her face!) I'm from a really small town. Cell phones work sometimes and we just got indoor plumbing. My graduating class had like 15 people in it! But I do understand culture shock. I mean, I went to Las Vegas to visit family and I bout had a heart attack with all of those people running around. (The look of fear has turned to shock and amazement.) I had a panic attack and literally had to sit down on the gum covered bench so I wouldn't pass out! OKAY, your card went through, and here's your receipt....enjoy those sandwiches..."

Truly and honestly she has no clue. In Alaska we had 300 in our little town and no roads out. Kinda inconvenient, but I wear it like a badge now. There was really no use for a car or truck up there unless you were hauling trash or your boat to the dock. And so when someone calls Camino the country I have to smile. It's all about where you're from. When you leave San Francisco and head up here, you are wondering how you'll get out alive, I'm sure. But when you are from a one horse town with no stop light, then you have to remind yourself to get that truck up to speed so you don't get run over in the fast lane...by the cop that's going 75!

The difference between the "what do you do?", in the city and the sticks, is simply about money and dirt. There's more dirt in the mountains and it's virtually free. There are stores in the city and "recreational parks" and they cost money. It's all got it's place. But I've NEVER thought of the country as BORING!! How can you be bored hiking up the trail, setting up camp, hunting and fishing, and sitting around the campfire with friends. There is a simple beauty in the quiet and the trees. There is a blood pumping excitement in the freeways, loud stereos, and thick masses of people.

I am prejudiced. I LOVE a small town. I love that my kids are so familiar with their river and their freinds and family. I love that it takes me two minutes to get to a trail and that I really won't see many if any other folks on it. I love the quiet nights and firelight. I love laying on the sandy beaches in the sun drinking cheap beer. I love that I can walk everywhere. I love that I know everyone I see in the store.

Sometimes I can't stand a small town. I get frustrated that the produce section looks like dumpster. I get mad knowing that all of my business is everyone elses business. I wish sometimes that I didn't know all about that guy's disease and that gal's boyfriend on the side....ugh! Sometimes it's all TOO familiar. But I wouldn't trade it for all the strangers listening to rave music on their way to work....too busy to care about my problems.

There is a sweet balance in life. And we all seem to fluctuate to it. Wether you are living in the city or the country, we all need breaks from what breaks us. Understanding keeps us loving each other. When we are hating the other side, we just don't know enough about it to understand it. We are all the same. We all need food, shelter, love and time. We are all just making it through that work day, or that load of dishes, or that second piece of cake....just to get to the end of the day and light that campfire or turn on that TV, kick up those feet and sigh, "AHHHH, aint it grand!?"

What goes in..... MUST COME OUT NOW!!!!

I never thought, in all my life, that I could care so much about what goes into and comes out of a person. I SO care now! There are no words that disarm and bring a mother to her knees like the words, "Mommy, hurry....poo poo!!" They never come at a convenient time. You're not ever IN the bathroom with NOTHING else going on, WAITING for the poo. No. You are in your car, or shopping with 3 kids, or at a packed restaraunt, or at a play ground with no bathroom in sight (YES, this has happened...I will kill the contractor if I ever find him)!!

If you live in the country you are usually better equipped to deal with excremental situations. A well placed tree or bush and the fact that NO ONE else is around...or at least it's people you know and they understand how wierd you are already! You are maybe out feeding chickens, or gardening, or hiking, or playing at the river, or hunting, or making mud pies..... In times such as these, all you need are mullein leaves (the big fuzzy ones) and a big rock.

I, however, cannot stand when the "sudden poo call" happens in the city! For starters you SHOULD be a paying customer to use the potty...especially when you are dragging 3 girls behind you. You aren't getting in there unnoticed. Also parking lots with trees are not to be considered off limits necessarily...but much better with #1 than #2, if you know what I mean. (Hey, I'm not above anything, in a desperate pinch. But that puts you in the hill billy catagory for sure. And I already have Idaho license plates in California.) So you have to mumble something to the cashier as you hustle past such as: "Man a cup of coffee sounds good..we'll be right back!" You are trying to come off cool, like the coffee is the REASON you're in there, while all the while hoping to God that the kid does not go in her pants....because that is NOT an option at this point. While you are in the bathroom you may as well make ALL the kids sit on the potty (which is never very clean). Inevitably, one of them will start crying and you may have to go out while the oldest one goes so she can concentrate or the 20 minutes you are already in there for will turn into 30. The coffee may make up for all the stress....I'm not sure about that though.

Aaaahhh, just last night I had a doozie! I have yet to SIT through a meal. So after the kids were done picking through their plates we kicked them outside to have some peace and quiet for 2 seconds. The table was jovial, with Travis, Uncle Jack, Cousins Brittany and Lacey, and myself. I am just STARTING to think, "Well, this is nice..." when Charlee Beth, 6, bursts through the door with the words I fear....

"Mom, Tenesee had an accident!"

Panic.

"Ugggh, did she pee her pants?"

"No...she pooped....but it didn't get on her pants."

(Oh no! What does this mean? How then is it an accident? Where is the poo?)

I bound up from my shattered moment of peace and trot out the door to see Tenesee squatting right in front of my camper steps. Hannah, 8, suddenly says, "oh no!", and picks the kid up off her pile. Apparently she was about to step in it. Tenesee starts screaming, "My poo poo, my poo poo!!", because at this point she's pretty proud of what she's made. The dog instantly seizes the moment he's been waiting for to jump on it like a T bone steak! The baby is now furious..."No, no, my poo poo, my poo poo!!!!"

And I wish at that very moment that I was at a 9-5 job where people don't poop on the ground...or ANYWHERE else they shouldn't. Aaaaaahhhhh. Needing a poo mantra.

Just take it one step at a time, Shannah. Just don't step IN it, Shannah. Are we defined by what we do? Are we defined by what we clean up?? Who else is really going to do this glorious job?? I don't think I could pay someone enough...not on my salary. And guess what? Our Mamas ALL cleaned up our $&*#! God bless them every one!

Where There's a will.......there's a crazy kid with that look in her eye!

Once in awhile I say......"I'm bigger than you, that's why I'm the boss!" Okay, I said it 5 times, yesterday. She is 2. Need I say more? I mean, if you think it's hard being me, I guess it's 10 times harder being she. SHE is Tenesee Rose. She is the queen of the house. She wants to trim the apholstery with scissors and decorate it with ball point pen. She has a desire for sugar in the morning and at noon and when we lay down for ni-night. No I don't give it to her....every time.

Discipline is weird. I mean if you really John Wayne them, they mind you, but flinch when you make a sudden movement. If you "time out" them to death, they don't take anything you say very seriously. A lot of it is distraction with a 2 yr old. "No, that's Mommy's phone....OH LOOK, there's your phone!" (as I toss it over in the grass and high tail it to the house!) No, but really. Tenesee is a big person trapped in the unfolding of a little being. She is so delicate and so strong. I have to respect her individuality and at the same time help her make it to the ripe ole age of say...10, without getting squished. Your kids have to know what "no" and "stop" mean.

Ha...that reminds me of a story. A stubborn sweet and terrifyingly honest old lady lived in Riggins awhile back. She told me that she really wanted her kids to understand the dangers of the highway. So she had her 5 yr old son stand on one side of the living room and she went to the other side. She RAN at him and hit him with every ounce of her 100 lbs!! He went sailing. THAT, she said, put the fear into him. UH, ya think!...I don't think he worried about the highway near as much as he kept a sharp eye on Mama! (you know that kind of discipline is only funny in stories, books and movies!)

So here I am in the throws of mommyhood. Homeschooling three girls. Third grade, first grade, and pre-pre-school boot camp. It's all about preperation and you can never quite be prepared. The moment I get it all written down....this beautifully scripted plan for the day, written on perfectly clean white paper, with my favorite pen....it all goes awry. WHY? Could it be that the lessons we are learning together aren't just about arithmetic? Could it be that the reason I homeschool is not just to taint their world view with my hill billy hippieness? I know that it is a bonding and love lesson that we are all going through. If we can get along, if we can share and give, if we can talk and not yell...we are learning some of the most important lessons in life. LOVE. PATIENCE. KINDNESS. UNDERSTANDING. Maybe today we can keep our sanity. Maybe the "list" should look something like this:

1. wake up whining and sit on mommy's lap shoving baby on floor.

2. help baby up and say "I'm sorry", and mean it.

3. help make breakfast and forgive yourself for spilling the oats on the floor.

4. fight with sissy over who gets the stool next to the heater, but forgive her for hitting you.

5. get out school books and whine about what to draw for language arts.

6. take 15 minutes upstairs to think about appriciation and come down and try again.

7. forgive mommy for saying "UUUUGGHHHH" like a highschool girl because you are whining about it....AGAIN!

8. make lunch...yay!

9. go for walk and take recycle and trash down to dumpster after fighting over who is carrying the heaviest bag.(REALLY!?)

10. say sorry for hitting and stop crying. we all have to carry a bag, get over it!

11. come back and work on math sums....with no quarreling?

12. nap time....yay!

13. dinner prep, kick big kids outside to climb trees and chase helpless animals, and put on Robin Hood for the 2 yr old AFTER she helps clean up the mass mess of toys on the living room floor, picks up the salt shaker she's licking, and goes pee pee NOT in her pants.......whew!

If a list looked like this then maybe it would be more like, "ALRIGHT! I'm doin pretty good today!! Check it off, check it off! Man, I'm organized!! Look at us go! We are really getting stuff done, I tell you!!" (As I tell the girls.."This is called sarcasm.")

This is truly my lesson: Don't expect a day to be "perfect". They are all perfect in their own imperfect way. SLOW down, hold the babies and enjoy the sunshine on your face...or the rain on the window. Play in the dirt with them and know that THAT IS "getting something done".