YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOTHER IF......

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MOTHER IF:

~You are in your sweats at noon, but the baby is dressed.

~You always have food in your purse and it's not for you.

~You have white milk puke on your shoulder and are immune to the smell.

~Your car has more crackers and juice boxes in it, than cd's.

~The song stuck in your head is from a Disney movie, not a juke box.

~Ten minutes of alone time is like an hour.

~You go visit people you have nothing in common with, JUST because they have kids.

~You have quickies in the bathroom, and not because it's kinky.

~You make dinner when you're not even hungry.

~Your lunch is crusts of pbj and leftover bites of apples.

~You consider grocery shopping an outing.

~You wake up at 5am just to read a book.

~A good workout is getting your kids dressed to go out and play in the snow.

~You don't sleep in past 7am even if you want to.

~You think of yogurt as a meal.

~You can kiss a drooly mouth without even flinching.

~You think about poopoo more than you ever have in your life.

~You hold your pee for an hour just so the baby will fall asleep.

~You use an extension cord for your baby monitor just so you can stay up with the adults.


~You have cat like reflexes without meaning to.

~Getting ready to leave the house takes you an hour....at least.


~You can do ANYTHING with one arm.

~You wear the necklace that lil' sweetheart made you, JUST to make her smile.

~Christmas is more expensive than the mortgage.

~Lightsockets become a hazardous part of the house.

~Beer for breakfast is medicinal...not just fun.

~People look at you with the "I-feel-sorry-for-you" look when you unload 3 kids out of the car.

~After Halloween you understand a drug addict completely!

~You can change a diaper, snap up your nursing bra, and unbuckle a car seat in under a minute.

~A "nooner" means a nap.

~Instead of kissing your hubby when he comes in the door, you hand him a baby.

~Cleaning the house is like a military drill.

~A clean house isn't what it used to be.

~All you want for your birthday is paper plates and disposable utensils.

~Foreplay is shutting the alarm clock off.

~You spell every 5th word you say.


~Your walls are decorated with sticky handprints and markers.


~You have mad referee skills.


~You cut your husbands pancakes into small bites.


~You will hand a lighted flare the screaming baby in the carseat, just to have 2 seconds of quiet.


~You boss other people's kids around.


~"No" is your second language.


~You take more pictures than you ever have in your life....of one outing.


~You wonder what being "bored" would look like.


~You feel more frustration and love at the same time than ever before.


~You actually get yelled at for trying to help someone.

~Clean shirts last about 5 minutes.


~You can't get anything done, even though you are TRYING!


~You clean up the restaurant floor and wipe the waiter's face before leaving!

The country mouse ate the city mouse....

We are living here at Apple Hill in Camino California. It's like the woods for the city folk. You know, we got trees n stuff. There are a couple resident bears and some deer.

But as for us Idahoans, it's still city. There is a Walmart 10 minutes away. That says it all. In Riggins we are 3 hrs from one of those shopping zoos.

I like it for a change though. It's nice to go downtown Placerville and walk main street and check out all the cool shops. (Mostly from the windows when Tenesee is feeling spry.) There are also wineries with vineyards rolling along the hills, old mines, museums, supermarkets with unwilted lettuce and RED meat, and of course more apple ranches up here on Apple Hill.

When I was working the front register at the family restaurant the other day, I had an interesting insight into the mind of a city-fied lady. There was a line of folks wanting bbq pork sandwiches, about 30 people deep, and I was running this ladies credit card. The phone line was busy so it was taking extra time . I smiled at her and made some comment on the weather. She said, "That machine must take a LONG time, huh...since we're out here in the middle of nowhere?! You all must be SO glad to get out of here after you graduate! I mean WHAT do you DO up here?"

Okay now let's think about this, shall we. THIS, for starters, IS the city for me. I'm from towns of 500 and less, ALL my life!

So I say, "Actually, I'm from Idaho. (Look of fear crosses her face!) I'm from a really small town. Cell phones work sometimes and we just got indoor plumbing. My graduating class had like 15 people in it! But I do understand culture shock. I mean, I went to Las Vegas to visit family and I bout had a heart attack with all of those people running around. (The look of fear has turned to shock and amazement.) I had a panic attack and literally had to sit down on the gum covered bench so I wouldn't pass out! OKAY, your card went through, and here's your receipt....enjoy those sandwiches..."

Truly and honestly she has no clue. In Alaska we had 300 in our little town and no roads out. Kinda inconvenient, but I wear it like a badge now. There was really no use for a car or truck up there unless you were hauling trash or your boat to the dock. And so when someone calls Camino the country I have to smile. It's all about where you're from. When you leave San Francisco and head up here, you are wondering how you'll get out alive, I'm sure. But when you are from a one horse town with no stop light, then you have to remind yourself to get that truck up to speed so you don't get run over in the fast lane...by the cop that's going 75!

The difference between the "what do you do?", in the city and the sticks, is simply about money and dirt. There's more dirt in the mountains and it's virtually free. There are stores in the city and "recreational parks" and they cost money. It's all got it's place. But I've NEVER thought of the country as BORING!! How can you be bored hiking up the trail, setting up camp, hunting and fishing, and sitting around the campfire with friends. There is a simple beauty in the quiet and the trees. There is a blood pumping excitement in the freeways, loud stereos, and thick masses of people.

I am prejudiced. I LOVE a small town. I love that my kids are so familiar with their river and their freinds and family. I love that it takes me two minutes to get to a trail and that I really won't see many if any other folks on it. I love the quiet nights and firelight. I love laying on the sandy beaches in the sun drinking cheap beer. I love that I can walk everywhere. I love that I know everyone I see in the store.

Sometimes I can't stand a small town. I get frustrated that the produce section looks like dumpster. I get mad knowing that all of my business is everyone elses business. I wish sometimes that I didn't know all about that guy's disease and that gal's boyfriend on the side....ugh! Sometimes it's all TOO familiar. But I wouldn't trade it for all the strangers listening to rave music on their way to work....too busy to care about my problems.

There is a sweet balance in life. And we all seem to fluctuate to it. Wether you are living in the city or the country, we all need breaks from what breaks us. Understanding keeps us loving each other. When we are hating the other side, we just don't know enough about it to understand it. We are all the same. We all need food, shelter, love and time. We are all just making it through that work day, or that load of dishes, or that second piece of cake....just to get to the end of the day and light that campfire or turn on that TV, kick up those feet and sigh, "AHHHH, aint it grand!?"

What goes in..... MUST COME OUT NOW!!!!

I never thought, in all my life, that I could care so much about what goes into and comes out of a person. I SO care now! There are no words that disarm and bring a mother to her knees like the words, "Mommy, hurry....poo poo!!" They never come at a convenient time. You're not ever IN the bathroom with NOTHING else going on, WAITING for the poo. No. You are in your car, or shopping with 3 kids, or at a packed restaraunt, or at a play ground with no bathroom in sight (YES, this has happened...I will kill the contractor if I ever find him)!!

If you live in the country you are usually better equipped to deal with excremental situations. A well placed tree or bush and the fact that NO ONE else is around...or at least it's people you know and they understand how wierd you are already! You are maybe out feeding chickens, or gardening, or hiking, or playing at the river, or hunting, or making mud pies..... In times such as these, all you need are mullein leaves (the big fuzzy ones) and a big rock.

I, however, cannot stand when the "sudden poo call" happens in the city! For starters you SHOULD be a paying customer to use the potty...especially when you are dragging 3 girls behind you. You aren't getting in there unnoticed. Also parking lots with trees are not to be considered off limits necessarily...but much better with #1 than #2, if you know what I mean. (Hey, I'm not above anything, in a desperate pinch. But that puts you in the hill billy catagory for sure. And I already have Idaho license plates in California.) So you have to mumble something to the cashier as you hustle past such as: "Man a cup of coffee sounds good..we'll be right back!" You are trying to come off cool, like the coffee is the REASON you're in there, while all the while hoping to God that the kid does not go in her pants....because that is NOT an option at this point. While you are in the bathroom you may as well make ALL the kids sit on the potty (which is never very clean). Inevitably, one of them will start crying and you may have to go out while the oldest one goes so she can concentrate or the 20 minutes you are already in there for will turn into 30. The coffee may make up for all the stress....I'm not sure about that though.

Aaaahhh, just last night I had a doozie! I have yet to SIT through a meal. So after the kids were done picking through their plates we kicked them outside to have some peace and quiet for 2 seconds. The table was jovial, with Travis, Uncle Jack, Cousins Brittany and Lacey, and myself. I am just STARTING to think, "Well, this is nice..." when Charlee Beth, 6, bursts through the door with the words I fear....

"Mom, Tenesee had an accident!"

Panic.

"Ugggh, did she pee her pants?"

"No...she pooped....but it didn't get on her pants."

(Oh no! What does this mean? How then is it an accident? Where is the poo?)

I bound up from my shattered moment of peace and trot out the door to see Tenesee squatting right in front of my camper steps. Hannah, 8, suddenly says, "oh no!", and picks the kid up off her pile. Apparently she was about to step in it. Tenesee starts screaming, "My poo poo, my poo poo!!", because at this point she's pretty proud of what she's made. The dog instantly seizes the moment he's been waiting for to jump on it like a T bone steak! The baby is now furious..."No, no, my poo poo, my poo poo!!!!"

And I wish at that very moment that I was at a 9-5 job where people don't poop on the ground...or ANYWHERE else they shouldn't. Aaaaaahhhhh. Needing a poo mantra.

Just take it one step at a time, Shannah. Just don't step IN it, Shannah. Are we defined by what we do? Are we defined by what we clean up?? Who else is really going to do this glorious job?? I don't think I could pay someone enough...not on my salary. And guess what? Our Mamas ALL cleaned up our $&*#! God bless them every one!

Where There's a will.......there's a crazy kid with that look in her eye!

Once in awhile I say......"I'm bigger than you, that's why I'm the boss!" Okay, I said it 5 times, yesterday. She is 2. Need I say more? I mean, if you think it's hard being me, I guess it's 10 times harder being she. SHE is Tenesee Rose. She is the queen of the house. She wants to trim the apholstery with scissors and decorate it with ball point pen. She has a desire for sugar in the morning and at noon and when we lay down for ni-night. No I don't give it to her....every time.

Discipline is weird. I mean if you really John Wayne them, they mind you, but flinch when you make a sudden movement. If you "time out" them to death, they don't take anything you say very seriously. A lot of it is distraction with a 2 yr old. "No, that's Mommy's phone....OH LOOK, there's your phone!" (as I toss it over in the grass and high tail it to the house!) No, but really. Tenesee is a big person trapped in the unfolding of a little being. She is so delicate and so strong. I have to respect her individuality and at the same time help her make it to the ripe ole age of say...10, without getting squished. Your kids have to know what "no" and "stop" mean.

Ha...that reminds me of a story. A stubborn sweet and terrifyingly honest old lady lived in Riggins awhile back. She told me that she really wanted her kids to understand the dangers of the highway. So she had her 5 yr old son stand on one side of the living room and she went to the other side. She RAN at him and hit him with every ounce of her 100 lbs!! He went sailing. THAT, she said, put the fear into him. UH, ya think!...I don't think he worried about the highway near as much as he kept a sharp eye on Mama! (you know that kind of discipline is only funny in stories, books and movies!)

So here I am in the throws of mommyhood. Homeschooling three girls. Third grade, first grade, and pre-pre-school boot camp. It's all about preperation and you can never quite be prepared. The moment I get it all written down....this beautifully scripted plan for the day, written on perfectly clean white paper, with my favorite pen....it all goes awry. WHY? Could it be that the lessons we are learning together aren't just about arithmetic? Could it be that the reason I homeschool is not just to taint their world view with my hill billy hippieness? I know that it is a bonding and love lesson that we are all going through. If we can get along, if we can share and give, if we can talk and not yell...we are learning some of the most important lessons in life. LOVE. PATIENCE. KINDNESS. UNDERSTANDING. Maybe today we can keep our sanity. Maybe the "list" should look something like this:

1. wake up whining and sit on mommy's lap shoving baby on floor.

2. help baby up and say "I'm sorry", and mean it.

3. help make breakfast and forgive yourself for spilling the oats on the floor.

4. fight with sissy over who gets the stool next to the heater, but forgive her for hitting you.

5. get out school books and whine about what to draw for language arts.

6. take 15 minutes upstairs to think about appriciation and come down and try again.

7. forgive mommy for saying "UUUUGGHHHH" like a highschool girl because you are whining about it....AGAIN!

8. make lunch...yay!

9. go for walk and take recycle and trash down to dumpster after fighting over who is carrying the heaviest bag.(REALLY!?)

10. say sorry for hitting and stop crying. we all have to carry a bag, get over it!

11. come back and work on math sums....with no quarreling?

12. nap time....yay!

13. dinner prep, kick big kids outside to climb trees and chase helpless animals, and put on Robin Hood for the 2 yr old AFTER she helps clean up the mass mess of toys on the living room floor, picks up the salt shaker she's licking, and goes pee pee NOT in her pants.......whew!

If a list looked like this then maybe it would be more like, "ALRIGHT! I'm doin pretty good today!! Check it off, check it off! Man, I'm organized!! Look at us go! We are really getting stuff done, I tell you!!" (As I tell the girls.."This is called sarcasm.")

This is truly my lesson: Don't expect a day to be "perfect". They are all perfect in their own imperfect way. SLOW down, hold the babies and enjoy the sunshine on your face...or the rain on the window. Play in the dirt with them and know that THAT IS "getting something done".