WHAT IS AND WHAT COULD NEVER BE

I was never one of those girls that planned a big white wedding in a church. I didn't dream of having kids and a husband to care for. It was my big sister that always pretended to nurse her dollies on her belly button. I played with stuffed animals and made them talk. I tried to sneak back in the room and catch them at it...and this was long before “Toy Story” ever came out. I did pretend that Don Jonson wanted to date me, but I never took the vows with him. His occupation was far too dangerous.

I always said I wanted to be a “starving artist” and live in an apartment in the city with a lot of cats. I think I said that because it's actually the opposite of my country personality. I wanted to be grown up and live a life different than everyone around me, which at the time meant out of the dirt and trailer houses. Maybe this idea came from the movies. The little bistros and cobblestone corners on the Lady and the Tramp. The parks and skippy streets of Mary Poppins. Nothing seemed to happen in the country.

Now, I can't imagine what my life would have been in the cat ridden apartment. Lonely, I guess. Empty the litter box and order take out again. Call up an artist buddy to go bar hopping with and wonder why all of the good guys are taken. Dye my hair punk white and work on another painting to sell. Sounds like a story book romance to me.

Instead I got married and had children. I became a wife and a mother and moved out of my small town into another small town. I didn't have a big wedding in a church. I had a little hippie wedding on a beach. I didn't have the 2.3 kids; one boy and one girl. I have three girls with unmatching outfits that sing made up songs about lightning and thunder while they help me cut veggies for dinner. And I have one on the way. It's already being inundated with kisses and stories through the belly.

I married my 19 year old boyfriend that I couldn't stop kissing in public. We lived in our van with our mutt dog and went on long hikes. Then we bought property and planted trees and pushed little girls on swings. We still kiss in public but no longer make out on people's couches at parties, which is a sign of maturity.

What would a glimpse at the life I might have had, show me? What would I learn about myself? Would my sweet Travis have found me in my city apartment? Would I have sold many paintings? Would I still have punk rock hair?

I suppose I would have ended up looking for a version of what I have now. I think we all eventually do. We all want to be held and loved and accepted and needed. And there is no better way to be needed than being a wife and mother.

“Where are my socks?”

“In the drawer where they always are.”

“I looked and they are not there!”

“Well, that's why I tell you to put your stuff away, so you can find it later. Borrow your sister's... and for God's sake, PUT YOUR SOCKS AWAY NEXT TIME!!”

No one can make it without a mother. Even Peter Pan wanted one. You can only play “kid” for so long and soon you are wanting a bed time story and some home made doughnuts. Even Mommies want a Mommy.

Or better yet, a nanny. She would have to be old with fat ankles, or I might get jealous of the attention Travis would spend bragging on her doughnuts. She could be on the clock after dinner while I snuggle on the couch and listen to her clanking dishes in a tub of soapy water. She could wash the bedding and mop.

But really, it's all of the little mundane chores that make this job so sweet and special. If I gave them all away then what would be left? Just the hugging and playing. And you can't appreciate the good stuff without the hand chaffing stuff. It's the reward at the end of the day.

Chopping kindling and washing and wiping and frying and sweeping are the ties that bind. The little conversations had over the cracking of the walnuts bonds us together. Then all of the hugging and kissing and snuggling are my treat.

If I could trade it all for a career, I wouldn't. I don't know what I was thinking. It's kind of like having a tattoo. It used to be so “rebel,” but now it's as common as an earring. You have to be pretty brave to stay at home with your kids. Being a mother is the most underrated job in the Universe. “I'm just a housewife...” No! I am the SUPER housewife. I have magic in my fingers and power in my words. I change seasons and heal wounds. I make it all happen with a snap of my fingers and a wave of my wooden spoon! I am unstoppable!!

And I wouldn't give it up for cats. Or punk rock hair.