MOMMY'S ADVENTURE

Flying in an airplane is normal these days. People talk about it like it's an everyday thing, and it is for a lot of them. But it is not for me. I am generally phobic about the entire procedure. Am I the only one that sits in the little seat, that is far too close to the person next to me, and wishes I was not about to shoot up into the air 55,000 miles above the gravitational pull of the earth? Am I the only one that is sitting rigidly, breathing rapidly, and writing a will in my mind, while the pilot calmly drones, “We have a storm forming above Minneapolis, ladies and gentlemen, so we will have some light to medium turbulence.” I think I would rather give birth, than get on a plane.

I had to retrain my mind when I flew to Alaska last week. Because what was waiting for me up there was a sister I hadn't seen in two years, who owns a beautiful restaurant and health food store, and who lives on the ocean where the sunsets are phenomenal and the silence is Divine. And I have a brother who looks like me and he has a baby that won't be a baby for long, that I hadn't gotten to meet yet. I had put off this trip for too long. So when some family bought me the ticket, who was I to say no?
I told myself, “Shoshannah, it is like driving or boating. Air is just like earth and water. It's safe. If it isn't then why do the stewardesses look so happy?”

So, in my life it just so happens that either nothing will be going on, or it will all be going on at the same time. And it was all happening in the land of Hollon. We were changing lifestyles, locations, and Mommy was leaving the tribe, all at once. When the morning came for me to leave I was a mess. I hugged my big girls and told them that I would see them in a week. Being 9 and 7, they are very understanding about the time frame and the reasoning. But being an almost 3 year old, my little one didn't know exactly what was going on. I hugged her and said, “I love you, Tenesee, Mommy's gotta go bye-bye.” She looked at me and told me that she wanted to go too. “No honey, Mama's got to go by herself, but I'll be right back.” (Yes, we all use this phrase even if it's not technically true.)

“But, Mom,” she tilted her head and chirped up at me with her big brown eyes, “I don't want to lose you.” My heart just melted and my knees got weak. I felt like crying, but I didn't. Instead I told her that of course she wouldn't lose me and that I'd be “right back” to see her. I mumbled a bunch of stuff and then jumped in my truck to drive to the airport in Bismarck.

I sped down the road and couldn't get rid of the lump in my chest. I tried to dance and sing it away, but it remained lodged there, stuck like dry bread. I changed the radio station and Tom Petty sang “Free Fallin” and I let out the tears. There is nothing quite as relieving as a well deserved cry. Now I know why kids do it all of the time. It gets the emotions out of the way and deals with issues you never even knew you had. From that point on I let it all go. They would be fine, I would be fine, Daddy would be fine and this was my adventure!

The first thing I learned at the airport was: Don't ever wear Carhartt overalls! I thought I would wear them because they are like a security blanket to me. If I were to crash into a mountain, I would want to go down in Carhartts! So I went through the metal detector, which makes me feel like an evil criminal anyway, and the buzzer went off! Everyone looked over at me. I turned red and smiled at the gal with the magic metal detector wand thing. She flicked a smile at me, and then said, “Please step over here, ma'am.” I did. She pointed to some foot print outlines painted on the floor, “Please stand right here...oh, unless you would like to do this in private.” She snapped on a latex glove. That's when I wished I had on jeans without brass buckles. Oh well. No one said it would be easy. (And, no, she really didn't need the gloves!)

So I chose to stand there in front of everyone, so I had witnesses to the little frisking action that was happening near gate D3, and take it like a real woman. It all worked out. No cuffs, just a, “Thank you, Ma'am.” For what? For not hiding something in my Carhartts? For not freaking out when you got personal? No problem.

By the time it happened at the next airport, I was ready. I held my arms out and said, "Go for it. I'm just going to think of this like a little massage." She just stared at me and then started to laugh. Thank God for airport bars with happy hour!

I got in late to Anchorage. My sissy and I hugged and jumped around like teenagers. I told her all about the funny things that the girls were saying and how my 9 yr old loves to play spy and take pictures of the neighbors. She told me about our plans for the week, the restaurant, and caught me up good on old town gossip. We slept well after catching an episode of the Dukes of Hazard.

I fell in love all over again with the ocean. I remember my school years walking around the small dirt roads of Seldovia and listening to my walkman and mooning over some teenage boy, or another. I remember watching those sunsets go down and the bitter sweet feeling of wanting it all to last forever. I instantly felt 17 again.....in a good way.

To step away from mommy hood and jump back into the world as Shoshannah, was like shedding my skin. It hurt and it felt so great, all at the same time. Life has a way of preparing you for these situations before you even know what you need. And then, BAM, it happens.

I was fine until the first anxiety attack. It's all good to have tons of time to myself and no questions being asked and no butt to wipe besides my own, but when that's what my profession has been for 10 years, it's frankly hard not to be needed. My hands took to looking for a little hand to hold and I had to busy them with artsy things. I drew some signs for my sissy's restaurant and I took a lot of pictures and I ate the best food in all of Alaska.

We saw a bear. We boated across the bay and watched sea otters. We drove to our brother's house and caught the sweetest smiles from my little nephew. I was ready to kiss baby cheeks, by the time we got there. But at every turn I kept thinking, "Wow, the girls would really love these sea shells and they would be picking these fat blueberries like crazy!"

If life has taught me anything, it is to be here now. It is to relish all of the sweetness I can out of each and every experience. It's to slow down and love each moment, because there really is no tomorrow. The little faces of my children, the way my husband looks at me, the sun going down on the river, and the hot days of September hanging on before the fall slowly creeps in and settles over the mountains frosting the Elderberries.

I got back home after so many little adventures, it would take a book to tell. I pulled up to our little camp on the River and those girls attacked me. We all kissed, hugged, kissed again and everybody was talking at once. I showed them my pictures of Alaska and told them all of my funny stories. They showed me bee stings and rocks they had painted for me. They told me about getting wood in the mountains with Daddy and swimming in the Salmon River. We laughed and cuddled and I watched how grown up they all were and I took pictures in my mind and marked them down as EPIC! I do believe the big girls will always remember the time when Mommy went away to Auntie's for a week. And I think Daddy will, too!