This Little Light of Mine

None of us want to be nagged and pulled and disrespected into necessary change. We want to do it ourselves. Or we want to NOT do it. There is no logic in the control we try to possess over other people in our lives.

Marriage and Parenthood are two of the hardest things we will ever do. We ask more out of our spouse and children than we would EVER ask of anyone else. We can't force these people into compliance. And we shouldn't want to. The only choices we have complete control over, are our own.

I grew up in church. Many of the sermons were based on loving your neighbor, doing unto others, and witnessing. I used to get this guilty feeling every time they talked about witnessing and sharing my little light with others. It made me think of missionaries and martyrs and door to door salesman. I tried one time, in elementary, to save my fellow student who was rocking Def Leppard in her walkman. I told her she was going to hell if she listened to rock and roll. She turned really red, marched away, told everyone else how weird I was, and didn't talk to me for awhile. I don't know what I expected her to do. Maybe say, "Thanks! I didn't know that. Let me now burn my entire big hair collection." I knew I wasn't meant to be a missionary....or a salesman.

Is that what loving your neighbor is about? Is that witnessing and sharing my little light? No. That is not love. Rock and Roll will not take you to meet the Devil one day. It may lead to premarital sex, but my guess is that those two 16 yr olds were already thinking about that before Led Zeppelin sang, "Whole Lotta Love".

Witnessing is sharing TRUTH through your actions and your words. The people that I am supposed to love and treat like I want to be treated, are my family. My husband and my three daughters. These are my "neighbors", first and foremost. I don't have to get into a tiny boat and row off to a cannibalistic island with some bible tracks. I don't have to try and solve all of my friends problems and start a charity for three legged dogs. The love I have to give is, daily and unconditionally, to these 4 people that surround me. I effect, 100%, how their day will go. If I wake up full of negativity then my house reeks of it and no one is at peace. Our job on this planet is to LOVE.



















This is often harder with the people you are closest to. Have you ever noticed that? It's easier, some days, to speak kindly to the post man than it is to your spouse. It's like, all day long we give out and give out and stifle our outbursts and keep simmered until we get home and let our guard down. Then we give em what we got left, which isn't much on a bad day, and expect them to deal with it. Life is so strange. I want to be the most patient and perfect wife and mother alive. But, honestly, I think I'm getting MORE stubborn as the years roll by. I suppose if some understanding grows along with my sassy side then it will all be balanced and no one will have to go through therapy.

But my intentions are OH SO good. The one thing that saves me at the end of the day is my honesty. It may have gotten a little rough around nap time. It may not have gone perfectly when the 6 yr old spilled the entire jug of o.j. on the floor. I may have lost my temper. I may have forgotten to count to 10 before reacting. But in the same instant I floundered, I righted back topside and said, "I am sorry. Mommy does stuff like that all the time. It was an accident. I love you very much.....can you please go get the mop?"

It is weakness to lash out. It is fear based to try and force compliance. I don't believe in it. Their will is their Spirit. This is what I love so much about them, so why would I want to bend and break that. Little kids are JUST like adults, but they don't have understanding and control over their emotions. They really don't even know why they do what they do, half of the time. It's our job to help them understand this. It's our job to be on their side while they are in their unfolding stage.



















I am not saying that the kids make the rules. Obviously I have lived on this earth for 34 yrs and my 8 yr old doesn't know how to drive yet. There are also things that I will not tolerate and actions that are unacceptable in Camp Hollon. But, we all want to be liked and accepted. Our actions don't make up the entirety of our being. It is no more correct for me to bully them than it is to let them bully me.

I had a revelation while we were camping up River a couple yrs ago. I was headed up to the truck, for the 56th time, getting more "stuff" to make the kids comfy. On the way back down the hill my 3 yr old shouted, "Mom, I have to go poop!" I dropped the "stuff", held her hand, and headed up the hill for the 57th time. I realized...I am their leader and I am their servant. That is a heavy responsibility. There should be total trust there. Strength lies in weakness at times. The more "in charge" we try to be, the smaller we become. Our voices are heard in the stillness. The quiet and centered calm Mama. Oh, yes. That will be my mantra today. I want to be the still small voice. Not the fire, wind, and storm raging away.

On that same beach that we were camped on is a huge pine tree. (In fact it's the very tree that Travis and I were married under.) The roots on that tree are amazing. They stick right out of the sand. They had to move some boulders slowly, over time, and the water has tried to wash away at them year after year. They hold onto almost nothing, it seems. And yet that tree grows strong and true. That's how I want to be. I want to sway in the wind and not break. I want to move the obstacles in my life with gentle pressure and constant give. (And smelling like pine would be fine.)